“Once I shifted from critic to observer, everything changed.”

From the book, The Napkin, the Melon & the Monkey.

After the meeting last week with my Stuffed Monkey, I eliminated several items from my list of  Things to Worry About. Even though I had given up kvetching about global climate change, the sorry state of the economy, and the fact that my beloved dog, Layla, won’t live forever, I still wanted to escape from the remaining worries on the list.  I craved the  kind of temporary escape only a movie could provide.

There is something liberating about settling into my seat in a dark theater and spending 90 minutes doing nothing but observing the twists and turns in a story about total strangers. During this respite from the real world, I’m not required to “do” anything but view the story as it unfolds. That is, until the movie stops and the lights come on, at which point I instantly shift into movie critic mode.

The same process applies to listening. The best listeners that I know have the ability to focus their full attention on the story being told and take themselves out of the equation.

In her book, The Zen of Listening, Rebecca Z. Shafir recommends a technique she calls, “getting into a person’s movie.” She writes, “Truly listening, forgetting yourself for a short time, and getting into the speaker’s movie can be the kindest gift you can give another.”

I know that to become a better listener, I need to block out all distractions, including my self-talk and my tendency to judge. (Being judgmental seems to be my mind’s default position.) I have found the easiest and simplest method for stopping myself is to apply SODA, the four-step formula for remaining fully present. Here is an example a recent conversation I had with myself as I was attempting to listen:

• Stop (Stop chattering. Just shut up and watch his movie. You might even learn something.)

• Observe “what is” (I am fully present and I will resist shifting into “critic” mode until after the movie ends.)

• Decide (Now that I’ve seen his movie, heard the facts and felt the emotion, what is the best way to respond? Offer my opinion? be empathetic? keep my mouth shut?)

• Act (Having decided on the most skillful response, I will proceed with confidence.)

This week, try sharpening your listening skills by getting into a different person’s movie every day. It doesn’t matter whose movie you pick. When you think about it, we are presented with many movie-watching opportunities every day — from members of our family, people we work with, friends and certainly our customers or clients.

As we all know, changing the way we think takes lots of practice. When those critical thoughts of yours happen (and they will) it might help to  recall this verse from the famous 20th Century philosopher, Dr. Suess:

“And when things start to happen,
don’t worry.  Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.
Oh the places you will go!”

Make it a great week. Enjoy the adventure.

If you like today’s Aha!, you will love the book from which it came, The Napkin, the Melon & the Monkey

Curious?  Listen to Chapter One